The Ugh Files: American Horror Story

I don’t know what the fuck I just watched. It took a season of LOST for me to realize they were making shit up as they went along, this around ten minutes. Mrs. Coach Taylor and Jessica Lange were in it? Also Pulp Fiction’s The Gimp and the Greendale Human Being’s love child? Here’s a list of shit that happens:

  • Homages to better movies that have been done by better movies!
  • OVERREACTIONS!
  • Saying “shit” like True Blood says “fuck”!
  • Dylan McDermott masturbates, ejaculates, then cries (and some burned dude see this happen)?
  • Dylan McDermott and Connie Britton have an argument about his affair, and his side is that “I cheated because you wouldn’t have sex with me,” and she’s all “What. Is. This. Fuckitude?” because she’s Connie Britton and absolutely right all the time, but then they immediately have sex?
  • A teenage girl gets attacked by a grandma goblin that comes out of a strobelight?
  • Mrs. Coach Taylor gets raped (?) by the Human Gimp?
  • Three different things happening at the same time? So many things! For no goddamn reason!
  • Enough jump cuts to make Jean Luc Godard say, “Stop it with the goddamn jump cuts”!

This thing’s just a mess. It’s like God spilled a TV show.

Post by Frank Bello

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