Republicans, you’re doing this losing thing all wrong.

It ok be, GOPers. You no cry.

As a life-long pinko-commie-liberal, I’ve had a lot of heartache in my day. I stayed up all night long as a lowly 11 year old in 2000 waiting for Al Gore to be declared president. I latched on to the Ent and the Hair in 2004 hoping for some relief from George W. Bush. None of that happened.

That being said, I now know a ton about losing properly. Do you remember John Edwards? Not the John Edwards with the love-child and probably jail time—I’m talking about the Two Americas John Edwards with awesome hair. That guy knew how to lose spectacularly. His hair was like a cloud that you could nuzzle up to on a cold night. What does Mitt Romney have? I’m not sure but it’s reminiscent of of a flattened porcupine.

Albert Gore even hard-core made out with his wife at the Democratic National Convention. Michele Bachmann has probably never made out with her husband without having to lower her voice and strap one on first.

The biggest flame out of the race so far has been the pizza baron who couldn’t keep his hands—or his penis—to himself. Seriously, you guys, you’re running against Barack Fucking Obama. He’s already president. You’re not even on a John Kerry level of professional failure here.

I believe in you guys. You’re the party that gave us both Bushes and Gerald Ford. You’ve gotten cocky, and it’s gone to your head. Remember the last time you nominated Milquetoast to run for president? It was 1996 and you got jack hammered by Bill Clinton.

Do I want the Republicans to win? No. I do, however, want the race to be interesting. Is it to late for Christie to run? He’s big enough to be his own running mate.

I almost forgot Santorum (and that’s probably for the best).

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About Schwegler

As a youthful bachelor, he lives off of white wine and avocados. He's also a freelance web developer. His addiction to pop culture is getting bad.

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