Oh god oh god, why am I still watching True Blood (Episode 5X02)

Why are you the way that you are show? If you didn’t watch last night’s True Blood but want to keep up with it, just watch the last ten minutes. That’s really all you need to watch because last night’s was just a filler episode. But if you really really want to go through 45 minutes of mediocrity, here you go:

  • Ugh, Tara’s a vampire. But she looks like she’s killing Sookie. But she kicked Lafayette about ten yards. So. It’s kind of a glass case of emotions kind of situation.
  • Pam stopped Tara from killing Sookie! WHAT! NO. NO. Tara’s going to bring down Pam, NO.
  • AHAHAHAHA, Tara just vampire ran into a door and cabinet.
  • While the credits are rolling, can I just remark on how good they are and completely misleading of the program that comes after it?
  • Bill and Eric are thrown into cages and I’m getting a weird LOST flashback.
  • Alcide has a problem with cannibalism which makes him a pussy according to Werewolf Laws? Because you have to eat what you kill? Did no one just go, “Hey, can we not do this thing? Because I’d prefer if we not do this thing. There has to be a better way to show that Alcide has trouble with the responsibility of ‘Pack Master’ which, by the way, totally sounds like a level from Cub Scouts.”?
  • Vampire Tara is stuck in Sookie’s house throwing things, so she’s just like Regular Tara except with the blur effect. (Oh, Not-Witch Jesus, I’m only ten minutes in.)
  • “There’s True Blood in the cabinet.” Hey, Ron Howard’s omniscient voice went off in my head!
  • Pam flashback! Yay more Pam! Don’t ruin this, show! Wait. She’s just a madame at a brothel and finds a dead body (that, taking a wild stab in the dark, is because of Eric)? Really? That’s all? Ugh.
  • This thing UV lamps to torture vampires? I’m pretty sure UV technology was also utilized in Underworld which, yeah show, how about you don’t copy? Also, the acting is waaaay too much like the witch summoning last year.
  • Vampire Pack Grandmother ain’t no skank!
  • “She’s wolf. I can feel it.” “Fuck what you feel!” No context, no commentary.
  • Seriously, can we redo all the Werewolf related dialogue and ADR the past ones with the new terminology ala Game of Thrones George W. Bush head?
  • Ugh, I forgot about Andy’s addiction to vampire blood and ugh I still can’t believe that’s a thing on this show because shouldn’t Sookie look like a meth head from Breaking Bad at this point? Oh hey, when does Breaking Bad come back again?
  • This guy looks like Dan Byrd and Danny Tamborelli had a redneck baby:
  • Why is Terry’s PTSD a thing on this batshit crazy show?
  • STAKE HER LAFAYETTE! STAKE! HER! (I’M ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH?!?!?!)
  • Here is Bill in a very fine top hat, licking the blood off his fingers. Again, no context, no commentary:
  • Christopher Heyerdahl is apparently typecast as a demonic torturer now?
  • Unrelated to anything, but it looks like Stephen Moyer drinks a lot between seasons. I can’t say I blame him.
  • Steve Newlin is at one of Vampire Jessica’s college parties, and…why?????? Oh he’s offering money to Jessica for rights to Jason. Because that makes sense. In the South. With a history of that kind of thing. Buying people. For stuff. You know. Slavery. Is what I’m trying to say.
  • Not kidding at all by the way:
  • Also, stop it with the “Fangs are erections” metaphor. Really show? You’re on HBO. You’re just embarrassing yourself. They even call it “fang boners.”
  • Remember when Hoyt was a kind of decent character? Wasn’t that a good time?
  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW:
  • Oh thank fuck, Christopher Meloni showed up. SAVE THIS SHOW SAVE THIS SHOW-Wait, Barbara from Cougar Town? What? And there’s a child on the Authority council?
  • “Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Sanguinista Movement?” WHY, SHOW, WHY DID YOU JUST MAKE CHRISTOPHER MELONI SAY THAT? Just wanted to hammer in that metaphor?
  • “Well it chaps my ass to say this-” WHO THE FUCK WRITES THIS SHIT?
  • This kid has fucking crazy eyes:
  • My expectations are so low, if there’s a scene where Christopher Meloni and Dennis O’Hare try to outchew the scenery I’ll consider this season a success. Russell Edginton was the only worthwhile part of the past two years and HE’S BACK! However, it feels like the entire episode was just leading up to those last five minutes which is this entire show, and ugh, just a mediocre mediocre episode.

Post by Frank Bello

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