There isn’t enough wine in the world to make Splash watchable.

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“Hey everybody, I’m Joey Lawrence”

And, with that, I knew that this would be the best reality show I have ever seen. I was incredibly wrong.

The premise is promising (?). You take a handful of minor/aging celebrities and have them undergo training to compete in a sport that they have never attempted. Strictly Come Dancing, Celebrities on Ice—we’ve been here before. How does this feel so wrong? Perhaps we’ll find out with our first diver. It’s former Coby kid Keshia Knight Pulliam.

“Damn girl, Rudy’s all grown up!”

What? It appears that each of the celebrity divers will have custom theme songs. Just like professional wrestling! Unlike professional wrestling, they jump in a pool instead of hit each other in the head with chairs.

I get it. Pomp and circumstance. There has to be more to a show than just them jumping in a pool.

Maybe it will all be alleviated by the next diver. It’s Louie Anderson. Shit.

Anderson: “My goal is to be able to get out of the pool on my own.”

Is that an actual goal to have? That’s like having the goal be to be able to stand up out of this chair.

Anderson: “This one is for the troops!”

No, I think this one is for french fries. Where is my wine?

Now we finally get to the actual good part of the show: the overly-intense editing. Each commercial break is scored like a cliffhanger on Lost as the celebrity pears over the edge of the diving board as if their imminent death awaits them at the bottom. Then, they find the only girl in the audience that had her hands up in her face like Stefon and cut to her—twice.

After the break, the money shot happens. This slow motion footage of Louie Anderson hitting the water could easily be the next Sigur Ros video.

“How am I famous? Good question.”, said a girl whose identity I’m unsure of. The girlfriend of a football player? Was there a sex tape at least? Is she the long, lost Kardashian that could?

At this point in the show, I’m unsure if I can continue. Sure, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar LOOKS like RuPaul out of drag, but do I care if he can dive? If you’re wondering, he can’t. That’s really besides the point, though, isn’t it? Because the attractive judge said “The dive wasn’t great, but I’m going to give him a 7.5 because he’s 7 feet tall.” THANKS, GUY! Now I know that, if I want to succeed in diving, I can just grow really tall and do a belly flop. I’ll be bringing home the silver in 2018 as soon as my stretching machine comes in.

It all gets better because there is a lip-sync for your life dive-off at the end to determine who goes home.

My cat jumped on my remote and flipped over to a rerun of the Family Feud. I decided to stick with that instead of try and watch any more of this.

I’ll give it a 1/10.

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