Gerard van Honthorst

The Secret to Free Food in College

Gerard van Honthorst
Gerard van Honthorst

If there was one tip to give the poor college student in need of free food that would rise above all the others and lead them down the righteous path of free noms, it would be to find God. Or, rather, find as many gods as humanly possible. Religious organizations know that the way to your soul is through your stomach—and, the only thing keeping the Latter-Day Saints church from passing out Moroni-shaped popsicles to passers-by is the sheer cost of keeping that many things frozen.

It’s cool though, you can still trapes down to the near-by LDS student center for some refreshing lemonade—or, tea—or, root-beer (If you’re after Coke, maybe you would rather check out the Baptist center, heathen). I was once invited there to play frisbee on their lawn about 400 times by a missionary in the church. I said no, but they persisted—and, somehow, managed to track down my local address to ask me in person.

Tracking down God for free food even caused me to accidentally watch Taken one time. Sadly, I also happened to have picked a seat too far from an aisle in the event room to duck out and had to watch Liam Neeson talk with urgency for an hour and a half. At least the pizza was Papa John’s and not Little Caesar’s, though—making it almost-worth-it.

Most of the time, they do opt for the pizza. It’s a fair bet that it’s either pizza or finger-foods. Though, I hear that the Catholic center provides an actually meal’s-worth-of-food on some Sundays. And, I used to frequent an area church that offered free pancake breakfasts if you showed up to the early service.

Once, I even heard rumors of crudités at the BCM on Wednesdays—but, you can never be sure. They probably spent their food budget on a spare over-head projector so you can follow a bouncing ball in a futile attempt to sing along to songs everyone  else seems to know by heart for reasons that escape you. What, you don’t always listen to music with the lyrics super-imposed on 90’s era Windows Media Player visualizations? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.

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