I remember reading in Tina Fey’s autobiography about her slow realization that the gay men in her life were actual humans with emotions, wants, and needs in place of sexless floating entities there for her entertainment.
I have experienced something similar in my personal life. When my mother claims acceptance of me only to follow-on with asides about the mechanics of gay sex or lamenting how she “guesses [she’ll] never have another grandbaby.”
These jabs will never stop hurting. Nor will they, probably, ever go away. I’m not expecting her to wake up in her 55th birthday suddenly realizing that “gayness” isn’t just a concept. If a song by Cazwell or a video from Trixie and Katya appears anywhere near her she complains and calls it gross and “why do they have to be so vile and flaunt their sexuality?”
Tolerance isn’t acceptance. Acceptance isn’t a celebration.
That’s sad and all. It ain’t totally unexpected in the south, though. For every person on the internet talking about coming out in middles school, I’m over here grumbling about how I used to pretend I wanted an Ariel Little Mermaid doll because “I think she’s pretty.” (Truth. But, not why I wanted it.)
I hear from people who turn to “the gay community” to help cope with a relatively unaccepting family. But what about a relatively unaccepting gay community to boot?
How do I put this delicately? Am I large? I’m… curvy? No. This isn’t a Dove commercial. I am a fat gay man.
I’m fine with this. And, while I am actively working on my weight I already know my healthy equilibrium is still well above “gay skinny” (or even ” straight skinny”). I’m 6 feet tall and when I’m exercising daily and eating healthily (but without restriction), I weight about 250-ish pounds. It’s a size large shirt and a 34 waist.
It is well into the polite “no thank you” replies on OK Cupid, Tinder, and Grindr. Or, sometimes, the “we can hook up but never speak of it again because I don’t want people to think less of me” territory. The larger gay community does not do well with accepting you if you don’t fall into a neat little box
People are terrible sometimes.
When you are a guy who likes guys, a large swath of people will refuse to think of you as a sexual being. When you’re overweight, a large swath of people will also refuse to think of you as a sexual being. When you’re both of those things? Good luck with that.
Just get ready to hear no a lot. Move on, listen to some Big Dipper music and some Guy Brannum standup, and just move along. Don’t even get me started on not being able to even find a subculture that fits you.
For everyone else out there, I’m sorry. I hope that you eventually realize that humans are humans and we come in various shapes, sizes, and colors. And those humans all have sex (hopefully).
About the videos: 1. The Dipper verse on Hot Homo is a funny way of thinking about big gay men. PLus, Cazwell is sexualized to the max. 2. Latrice is the only one in that video with “thick thighs.” 3. Max looking for a sub-culture is my life’s journey.