Impact Wrestling Review for 22 March 2018

The big premise tonight is “who will get what from the Feast or Fired match?!?!” I wonder what’s going to happen? Since EC3 has been on NXT for weeks now, maybe that could have something to do with this? I wonder if he’ll get the Global title shot.

Alberto El Patron starts things off.

The announcers are, once again, Josh Mathews and Sonjay Dutt. Josh needs to get off the announce team or drop the heel gimmick.

El Patron calls out Autin Areis. Aries comes out. This time last year, he was WWE Cruiserweight Champion. Now he is carrying a nice collection of championships from various companies. What a difference a year makes.

They have a music-off? They keep asking for the other’s music to play. Ok…

After the commercial break, Sonjay and Josh are again in front of the big green screen. They sell the April 22nd PPV from Orlando. Josh is still wearing that stupid vest peacoat thing.

Trevor Lee w/ Caleb Konley def. Fallah Bahh

Bahh is a very Yokozuna-esque offensive. Lee looks a bit like one of the Young Boys from NJPW. The Cult of Lee wearing simple ring gear just makes me not realize who is who as a newly-returned Impact viewer.

LOL, big man uses his mass to take out dudes. LOL,SELRES_2b6de6db-6e98-4fb9-b4ba-611358e73de5SELRES_3583217b-f40b-4e99-860f-8c6f66b391c4SELRES_c5c721f9-e6ec-4be0-b362-48783c7cd332SELRES_c5c721f9-e6ec-4be0-b362-48783c7cd332SELRES_3583217b-f40b-4e99-860f-8c6f66b391c4SELRES_2b6de6db-6e98-4fb9-b4ba-611358e73de5 he’s fat. LOL. “Bahh Bahh Bahh” chants? Really? I dislike this comedy.

Ugh.

Interference. Roll-up. Lee over. OK, whatever. I don’t have a reason to care about this and the actual match just give me a general “meh” feeling.

Cut to OVE handheld/spy footage? Ok, I’m digging this. Sami Callahan is breaking into Eddie Edward’s room? It cuts to black. I wish they wouldn’t have inserted Edwards weeing the footage backstage.

Petey Williams interview about his briefcase. I wish he was still Little Poppa Pump. Never forget (he’s the one on the right):

X-Division Championship Match
X-Division Champion Matt Sydal w/ Josh Mathews def. Rohit Raju

Dutt is solo on commentary because Josh Mathews is being a manager. Is there no one else back there at the Anthem offices that can jump on commentary with Sonjay?

Also, I don’t get the humor in this mask thing?

I have no idea who Rohit is. Dutt is busy talking about the main event, so I’m lost here.

The match ends and a promo from Moose about his case, A bit like cardboard on the mic. He is clearly a guy who needs a mouthpiece.

Knockouts Championship Match
Knockouts Champion Allie def. Sienna

The last time I was trying to watch Impact, the main Knockouts angle was Laurel Van Ness vs. Sienna, and I actually liked Sienna in the ring. Let’s see how this goes with Allie. Last I saw, Allie was a backstage character, but I know she has been working hard on the indies and, recently, on Impact.

Before the match, Eli Drake does his briefcase promo. He’s great on the mic. I wish he was doing more. His promo actually centers on him rebounding from setbacks. So, cool, I guess?

Match, match, match. Allie connects with a superkick and covers Sienna for the 1-2-3.

The Undead Bride, Su Yung shows up after the match (and a continuation of a proposal angle I know nothing about). She attacks the champ and lays her out. Braxton Sutter is still there and acts all strange. In fact, I’m not sure if he’s acting at an angle or is just awkward.

EC3 promo. I’m gonna miss him. I mean, I’ll still see him on NXT. But, whatever. Impact without EC3 isn’t really Impact for me.

GWN flashback segment with Tenay and Taz on commentary and it makes me miss that announce team–or any competent announce team–so much!

Edwards arrives at the hotel to protect his wife Alisha. The payoff is Callihan in drag as the maid brawling with Edwards. I’m here for it. The professional hand-held cams make me feel like they want to give a “Broken Universe” feeling to this. But, without Jeremy Borash there, I don’t think it’ll feel right.

Kong looks like you pushed a tube of cookie dough partially out of the tube and let it melt a little bit.

Monster’s Ball Match
Kongo Kong w/ Jimmy Jacobs def. Abyss w/ James Mitchell

Kongo Kong is NOT a good monster. Sorry about it. He comes off as one of the WCW Taskmaster creatures and not a modern creation at all. And that’s saying something with the very old school James Mitchell involved on the other side.

Mathews says “look at the size of Kongo Kong.” OK, but Kong looks like you pushed a tube of cookie dough partially out of the tube and let it melt a little bit.

They fight and fight. With more build and a better antagonist, Mitchell returning with Abyss would make any great PPV angle. Kong gets the win. Abyss can make anyone (except maybe Hogan) look good.

The real main event is the briefcase reveal. The one that we’ve all known about since EC3 showed up at the last NXT Takeover.

Hopefully, next week things will start to pick up. This week was boring. And, once again, there were only a few matches over the course of two hours. And, once again, the main takeaway is that I still don’t care about most of these characters. The Callihan vs Edwards angle wins out the night for me.

Thoughts Thoughts Thoughts

  • Sami Callihan in drag was a great pay-off.
  • These POP promos are so forced. Sonjay Dutt does his best, but he’s no Tony Schiavone pimping out the latest TNT movie.
  • Josh Mathews isn’t a heel. He is so easy to hate, I actually want to change the channel to get him off my TV.
  • The entrance music has taken a HUGE dive since Surge (Dixie Carter’s husband) stopped doing all of them.
  • They keep pimping the Twitch special and the April 22nd PPV equally. I don’t get it. 
  • The best thing about Impact is still the ref:

Moving On?

I guess I’m sticking with it. I’m only two weeks in. Parts of the show interest me. The commentary is TERRIBLE. I give this week 4 fat jokes out of 10.

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About Schwegler

As a youthful bachelor, he lives off of white wine and avocados. He's also a freelance web developer. His addiction to pop culture is getting bad.

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