“Days Of Our Lives” Weekly Recap: Bedtime Story

Welcome to our weekly recap of Days Of Our Lives, the story of three gay men, a special guest manwhore, and the inconsequential straight people who bug the shit out of them (and us).

For those unfamiliar, here’s a quick primer of our players:

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Will Horton – Played by three-time Daytime Emmy winner Chandler Massey, Will has the distinction of being the first Gay Zombie Amnesiac Jesus on Television. He was murdered, buried, and then resurrected thanks to Mysterious Life Serum. Also a HoBag, having cheated on his husband Sonny with Sonny’s former flame Paul. He remembers nothing of his pre-dead life … which may be for the best.

Sonny Kiriakis – Played by Daytime Emmy winner Freddie Smith, Sonny was married to Will until Will’s untimely demise. He reconnected with Paul and the two were at the altar taking vows when news came that Will had survived. Sonny dropped Paul and tried to revive his marriage, but learned that not everything can be resuscitated. Will decided he wanted his born again cherry to be popped by …

Paul Narita – Played by Daytime Best Chest winner Christopher Sean, Paul is a former pro baseball player who slept with Will, unaware of Will’s matrimonial connection to Sonny. After Will’s death, he rekindled his romance with Sonny only to be tossed to the curb when Will was resurrected. Karma smiled oh him, however, as Will has rebuffed Sonny and is now heavily snogging with Paul.

Leo … DeHooker – Played by Daytime Emmy winner Greg Rikart, Leo is a struggling … artist? … who accepted the evil Vivian’s offer to set up Sonny in exchange for help paying his student loans (thanks, Obama!) Posing as a temp employee of the billion-dollar family company Sonny is running, Leo is tasked to seduce Sonny into bed (check!), thus creating scandal when Sonny is revealed to be sleeping with an employee.

Now on with this week’s recap!

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“Avon calling! Would you like to try our body rejuvenator? Guaranteed to bring you back to life!”

Paul visits Will at his home at the Salem Hotel For Wealthy Widows And One Young Gay Man, and the two of them immediately start discussing the ramifications of ending the Iran nuclear deal. Just kidding!

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Between thrusts they do discuss Paul (who is now a certified detective) and his latest adventure, saving Will’s grandmothers Marlena and Kate from being asphyxiated in a secret underground bunker, imprisoned by Vivian’s son and “Gabi,” one of the alternate personalities of Abigail (who is Will’s cousin … and also Sonny’s cousin). Basically, everyone in Salem is related in some way, which makes coordinating the three-legged race at the family reunion a logistical nightmare.

Will is in awe of Paul’s superheroics. Come to think of it, they do have a Pepper Potts/Tony Stark vibe about them.

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“Yep, and then I used my nipples to slice right through the lock.”

Later, Will and Paul return home to find a visitor from Will’s past. Roger (John Enos)
is married to the cuckoo bananas Susan, who was responsible for stealing Will’s corpse and bringing it back to life, with the help of the Crazy Dr. Rolf, who injected Will with the Mysterious Life Serum. Susan is a proud graduate of The Future Frances Farmers Of America and is currently in a … let’s call it internship … at the sanitarium.

Will (who is trying to regain his credentials as a very shitty reporter) has been trying to unearth the secrets to Crazy Dr. Rolf’s Mysterious Life Serum, and Roger thinks he has a lead. A very creepy Necromonicon-looking tome from hell.

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“I heard your Grandma Marlena might be able to translate it.”

After Roger leaves, Will and Paul pore over the devil’s manuscript, which is actually … Crazy Dr. Rolf’s diary!

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“See Will, there’s more than just doggy style. This one is called The Reverse Pile Driver.”

Crazy Dr. Rolf’s diary is pretty much a checklist of some of the strange things that have happened, including bringing Paul’s father back to life, making a carbon copy of Marlena, and the show winning the Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Drama a few weeks ago

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“You really can’t find him, Will? He’s wearing a red-and-white-striped shirt and glasses.”

Unfortunately, Crazy Dr. Rolf’s diary turns out to be a dead end. He describes in detail bringing Will back to life, but does not provide any clues to the formula of the Mysterious Life Serum.

Meanwhile … Leo is still chugging along with the Undercovers Boss plan. Hey, that monthly subscription to Randy Blue won’t pay for itself.

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“Well, that’s what I get for uploading my profile to Castrating Divas Of Daytime”

Somehow, even with all his suspicions, Sonny has fallen hard for Leo. After months of Sullen-Sonny and Sad-Sonny and This-Close-To-Wanting-To-Slap-The-Shit-Out-Of-Sonny, getting laid has brought out the Sweet-Sonny we’ve been missing.

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The smile isn’t the only thing plastered on his face lately.

Things are about to get a little dicey, though, because Kate has hired Paul to dig up dirt on Vivian, and the clues lead to Leo, which has Sonny fuming. He confronts Paul and warns him to stay away from Leo. Poor Will is caught in the middle …

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Things may be coming to a head though (and not in the good way), because Leo’s benefactor Vivian is killed in a struggle with Kate, and Kate now knows the truth about Leo’s machinations. Will she spill the beans to Sonny? More importantly, how will Leo pay for his Men.com subscription?

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Here’s a quick roundup of the non-important stuff this week:

NUMBER OF TIMES BRADY BLACK WAS SHIRTLESS: 0!

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Also, a wig apparently confessed to some murders or something. Thankfully, it was apprehended and will be cut up to provide merkins for Game Of Thrones.

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That’s all. See you next week!

 

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There are 11 comments

  1. roni1133

    Oh my god, snicks, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I’m so happy you’re back doing Days recaps. I’ll be looking forward to these every week.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Tim Watson

    I feel like Simon and Jennifer Garner just told me for the first time in 2 years and 5 days I can exhale! WELCOME BACK SNICKS😍😍😍😍😍😍
    Your first review was just as wonderful as always. I’m sure in no time Horita will be as beloved as Nuke and Lure and Kish. And hopefully it’s been long enough that some ass at the network won’t make Ron write them out now that they are popular.
    I look forward to the weekly updates and inevitable daily when they are on recaps!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Morgan

    I still laugh that Paul just wanders around Salem as a regular person. He was a celebrated pitcher, I believe? If A-Rod decided to come out, become a PI, and move to a small town where he’s dating a formerly deceased amnesiac you’d think Sports Illustrated would want the scoop. At least US Weekly.

    Liked by 3 people

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