A Non-Apology Apology Starter Kit

Jason Statham was allegedly recorded going off on a homophobic tirade at his producing partner, Steve Casman while shooting at Harrah’s Casino in New Orleans.for the movie Wildcard.

You can basically imagine what the tirade sounds like, so there’s no point in reproducing it here. You can go hunt for it if you want to.

The part that I care about right now is actually the apology. It reads like mad libs for half-hearted apologies. Here it is in full. We’ll get into it after you read this.

“I have never heard the recording and my multiple requests to hear the recording have been refused. I have no recollection of making any of these offensive comments. However, let me be clear, the terms referenced are highly offensive.”

“If I said these words, it was wrong and I deeply apologize. Anyone who knows me knows it doesn’t reflect how I feel about the LGBTQ community. While I cannot fix what was said in the past, I can learn from it and do better in the future.”

pexels-photo-2353551. You Don’t Remember What They’re Talking About

Maybe it was a long time ago. Maybe you were drunk. The important thing is that you don’t recall what they are talking about, and you definitely don’t think you would willingly say such things.

My high school drama teacher once tried to teach us how to lie. She wanted us to deflect the question “Who stole my chair?” According to her, the best response is not to acknowledge the chair at all. “What chair?”

The statement above pulls off that misdirection masterfully. No denial that it didn’t happen. A simple, “what homophobic rant?”

2. The Allegation is Terrible

You have to at least talk about how the allegations against you are terrible. Anyone who would have done something like that is a terrible human. But, again, you don’t remember doing those things. As such, you probably didn’t.

This comes into play because you want to pander to those that are younger and more involved in the greater social politics. Always framing it as how mad you would be if someone else did this thing to you.

“How could anyone steal your chair?! don’t they know you have a bad back? It’s terrible, really—despicable.”

3. I’m Sorry You’re Upset

If you did this (you still don’t think you did), then you’re sorry. These things are terrible and you are sorry that anyone took offense to the things that you maybe didn’t say. It strikes a pain in your heart that people are hurting indirectly because of these things you definitely did buy probably didn’t do.

This is for those who maybe didn’t buy your first two pivots. But it’s also for those who did. For those who still think you did what you were accused of, it tells them that you would theoretically be so sorry if you did do this thing. The others see it as you firmly positioning yourself against such actions from all people in the future.

The End

If you follow these simple steps, you too can issue an apology that apologizes for nothing at all. But, it makes you feel better none-the-less. So, count it as a win in your daily journal and move on?

So, remember that it’s easier to say you’re sorry than to ask permission and get on with your life. Do it.

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About Schwegler

As a youthful bachelor, he lives off of white wine and avocados. He's also a freelance web developer. His addiction to pop culture is getting bad.

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