Ask Weezy for 1 June 2018

Each week in Ask Weezy, Louise "Weezy" Palanker will answer questions from readers about coming to terms with themselves, living, and growing. Hopefully, we will all learn a lot together on our collective journey forward through life. All with a little help from our good friend, Weezy.

More About Weezy

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Louise Palanker is a co-founder of Premiere Radio Networks, the author of a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age novel called Journals, a comedian, a filmmaker, a teacher and a mentor. She also hosts a weekly video podcast called "Things I Found Online", and teaches a free stand-up comedy class for teens at the Jewish Federation of Greater Santa Barbara. The opinions expressed are her own.

Mandy asks,

How can I get a boyfriend when I’m fat and ugly and my hair is all tangled and ugly? I really need advice. I am 13 years old and going into 8th grade.

Weezy

Let's begin here: Stop the negative talk and start some positive actions. If, according to your doctor, you are overweight then you can begin moving more, eating less and drinking plenty of water. At 13 your body and your mind are growing rapidly. With some effort, you will be able to train your brain quickly by taking small steps every day. Don't think about overhauling your entire life in one afternoon. Today, walk more. Tomorrow, drink more water. The next day stop eating when you are full. The day after that think about the quality of the food you are putting inside your body. Within a week you will begin to see changes and feel better about yourself.

All your hair needs is a little attention. Wash it. Dry it with a towel or with a blow dryer. Brush it with your head down. Let some gravity get in there. Then shake it back up. Once it is completely dry, repeat. There are plenty of people who spend a lot of time each day on their hair. I am not one of them so you can always ask a friend or family member or YouTube for some hair help. You can also do your own Youtube searches by including your hair type and length.

And always remember this. You don't need a boyfriend to validate your worthiness. At 13, dating someone is a lesson. It can teach you how to interact within a romantic relationship. It is not essential or mandatory. You may want to spend some time figuring out who you are before you begin seeing yourself as someone's girlfriend.

Tina asks,

My ex and I were a military couple. We broke up because of the way he treats me and the way he interacts with other females online. I found messages where he was flirting with other females and when I brought this up to him he said he didn't know for sure if we were serious and if I was being faithful to him. (I have been.)

I'm also having a pregnancy scare, which he seems to be very concerned about and wants to help me thru it all if I am pregnant. Today, I told him we should part ways because things are just becoming toxic, which he agreed and apologized for all the harm he's caused & went on to say he wants to know if I'm pregnant or not. I just don't know what to do if he were to come back should I give him another chance, regardless of if I'm pregnant or not?

Weezy

Whether or not you are pregnant should not be prefaced by a "regardless." It is key. You need to take a pregnancy test.

This feels like a relationship that has been too rocky for you to ever establish firm footing. It is however providing you with an excellent lesson. Emotional intimacy should precede physical intimacy. You both should feel safe and protected before you risk the vulnerability that comes with sexual contact. When you date again, talk to each other. As you begin to bond, engage in an ongoing conversation. "Are we going to be exclusive? What does that look like? How will our interactions with others change, both in person and online? How often will we be seeing each other? How often will we expect to hear from each other? Is our sexual contact safe? How are we protecting each other?"

When all of these discussions take place before you become physically close enough to create a possible pregnancy life is far less complicated. There is a nesting of two human souls that should be created before a baby is brought into your equation. You two are not there. Find out of you are pregnant and make your next decision based on facts. A baby will not bring you and the father closer together. It will drive you further apart and create an unhealthy atmosphere for the child. If you are having a baby, seek counseling to help you both parent this child.

In your question to me you seem more concerned about the future of this relationship than you are about a possible child. A child is not a tool or an aside within a relationship. If a child is coming, that child must come first. What is best for the child?

If you are pregnant, talk to the guy calmly and discuss your options. I think that whether or not you bring a baby into the world you need to put some space between you and this man. Put a plan together. Establish what you need and how you expect to be treated. Do not just take this guy back and expect things to change. He needs to show you that he is concerned and interested in you. He must understand what you need within a relationship and he should fully grasp what is required of a man who wishes to be an excellent partner and father. Then you can consider getting back with him. But only then.

Joyce asks,

So I really like this guy from school. I think he might like me but I’m not sure. We talk pretty often on Snapchat and at school. Sometimes at school he teases me and stuff but not really mean. He also compliments me sometimes too like he tells me all the time I’m really smart and one time he told me something looked good on me. I’m not 100% sure how he feels cuz he gives me some signs he likes me but it’s been about a month since we started talking almost every day and he hasn’t made a move. I’m not sure what to do. Should I make a move or tell him I like him or something?

Weezy

My best guess is that he does like you. The "You look really nice in that..." line is a potent piece of dialogue. I am open to being corrected but I do not think a guy has ever said that to a girl he does not like. (Gay guys exempted.) I think that you should suggest an activity together. Get two tickets to something... concert, lecture, theater, festival, fair... and ask him if he would like to go with you. That is a strong hint. It's not quite as on the nose as you asking the guy out because it is a specific event that will happen whether or not he is with you. But he will get the idea and I think he is going to want to be with you.

Before we were even dating I asked my husband if he would like to attend a wedding with me! Bold, but he accepted and somewhere along the way it was pretty clear to both of us that we were on a date. Try it and let me know how it goes. He likes you.

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