Welcome to our weekly recap of Days Of Our Lives, the story of three gay men, a special DEAD manwhore, and the inconsequential straight people who bug the shit out of them (and us).
Oh, Michael Cooper, we hardly knew you. Yes, it turns out that our favorite manwhore was an actual manwhore, something he show takes delight in shaming him for.
Look, times are tough, and we all do what we have to do to get by, and if that means selling our talents for rent money, I don’t think
that I anyone should be faulted for that.
But John meets with Will and Paul and tells him the dirt he found on Leo. First, Leo Stark is not his real name, it’s Michael Cooper. So what? Leo Stark is a much cooler name. “Leo Stark” means business, while “Michael Cooper” is a member of a generic boy band, the guy who can’t sing or dance but wears “dangerous” Ed Hardy shirts and insists on being called “Coop.”
But there’s more. Leo has also been arrested for petty thefts. Again, big deal. Do you know how expensive Andrew Christian underwear is? Sometimes you need a pair of assless mesh briefs, even if you can’t afford it at the time.
But the big reveal is that Leo has been a “male escort”. Why is the “male” qualifier always used? Is it really necessary? Would anyone really get confused? Anyway, John mentions this tidbit, and Will is all “PROSTITUTION WHORE!”
Will runs off to tell Sonny the good news, while John notices Paul’s giddy aura, and asks him what’s up. Paul tells him that he told Will he loved him for the very first time, and he’s just so unbelievably happy right now knowing that he and Will are destined to be together forever.
Meanwhile, Sonny is trying to absorb Leo’s marriage demand.
He’s ready to kick Leo to the curb, but Leo actually makes a good case for why they should tie the knot. It will put an end to the lawsuit and the bad publicity, and Leo is willing to publicly admit that he only sued because he and Sonny had a little tiff, and he wanted to get back at him (you know how dramatic the gays are, everyone will buy it!).
Sonny actually stars to consider it, especially after Leo brings up Victor’s failing health, and how more stress cannot be good for him. It’s a low blow, but it’s successful, because Sonny actually agrees. He tells Leo “Okay, I’ll marry you” just as Will walks in.
Will is dumbfounded (more so), and starts yelling at Sonny. Sonny tries to explain that he’s doing it to help his family, but Will won’t listen, saying “I’m not going to let you throw your life away by marrying this son a bitch!”
More yelling ensues, until Will pulls out John’s report and gives it to Sonny. Sonny realizes he now has the upper hand and tells Leo that the wedding is off. He’s willing to take his chances in court now that he has the evidence of Leo’s shady past.
That’s all Will needs to hear, and he gets up in Leo’s face and tells him “Get out before I throw you out!”
Leo snaps, blaming Will for everything, and literally tries to kill the messenger.
Sidebar: Why does everyone hate Will’s neck so much? It’s a perfectly lovely neck, soft and supple, long and tender … what can I say, I’m a neck man.
But Will really should hang a sign around it “WARNING! Choking Hazard.”
Sonny rushes to help. He barely touches Leo, and Leo catapults into the fireplace. Sadly, the stunt double experiences a major wig malfunction.
After making sure Will is okay, the boys realize that Leo … is dead!*
Panic quickly sets in, with Will insisting they call the cops, but Sonny pleading against it (and you can tell how increasingly desperate Sonny is by how increasingly flushed his face gets).
Sonny begs Will to help him get rid of the body. No one will believe that it was an accidental death, not with the trial starting tomorrow. This is the only choice they have. As they roll up Leo’s dead* body in the carpet, I can’t help but wonder if Will is thinking “You know, maybe living with an Elvis impersonator and crazy lady wasn’t so bad.”
Now that step one is accomplished, they have to find a way to get Leo out to his car, which is made harder by convenient sitcom distractions, a knock on the door, and a meddling old biddy.
Paul is at the door, and Sonny does everything but blurt out “I’M NOT HIDING ANYTHING!” Paul is looking for Will, and Sonny tells him that Will was there but he left, and Sonny doesn’t know where he went, why would Sonny know where he went, and STOP GIVING HIM THE THIRD DEGREE!
Paul leaves, but Will has his own troubles with Maggie, who has the audacity to wander around her own house. She notices the carpet, but somehow does not notice the huge body-shaped bulge inside. Will tells her that Ari spilled grape juice (way to throw your daughter under the bus), and they have to take the carpet to be cleaned.
Maggie tells him it’s not necessary, as she has solvent that will take care of the problem. Yeah, unless she also has a barrel of lye in that cabinet, she’s useless.
Thankfully, she gets a text that forces her to rush off, and Paul and Will formulate the next step. Sonny grabs Leo’s phone and keys, and the two of them drag Leo’s dead* body to his car.
Later, they head to … oh jesus christ, really? They’re going to discuss everything that just happened in the park? That park?
They left the car in the industrial park, but it won’t look good if Leo just disappears the day before the trail, so they decide to stage a car accident (because that will garner less suspicion?)
Now that the plan is set, they both go their separate ways to deal the aftermath. Sonny notices a huge stain on the fireplace, but no solvent can ever get Strawberry Toaster Strudel off woodwork.
Will meets up with Paul, who was worried about him (because that’s Paul), and Will of course has to lie to his face.
Okay, a couple of things.
First, * Do we know that Leo is really dead? Obviously he should be, considering he’s been rolled up in a carpet and dumped in the trunk of the car, but as we’ve seen before, dead does not mean dead on this show.
Secondly, I am very disappointed that the show did not remember its history, and Will did not have a hot sepia flashback to learning that his mom, grandma, and baby mama already did the dumping of the body thing.
Finally, I realize that actually following through on the intriguing (and possibly very entertaining) marriage angle was too much for this show to handle, but did they have to take the easy way out? We’ll see how this pans out.
Elsewhere in Salem …
Here’s JJ in his stripper cop uniform.
HERE’S EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS WEEK’S DAYS OF OUR LIVES IN LESS THAN A MINUTE.