Welcome to our weekly recap of Days Of Our Lives, the story of three gay men and the inconsequential straight people who bug the shit out of them (and us).
Before we begin, we must give a moment of silence for Leo Stark. There was a small flicker of hope that Leo somehow survived and was going to cause more trouble for Will and Sonny, but it’s now clear that he’s gone to that big manwhorehouse in the sky. But at least he went out in style.
And kudos to Greg Rikaart, who took a thankless role and did what he could with it, even if Leo was the most frustrating gay plot device since Brian Wheatley on As The World Turns (which squandered the talents of another daytime great, Laurence Lau).
But I digress.
I couldn’t recap last week’s episodes (I was helping Rory, Derrick, and Tad move into their new flat in Salem’s Rentboy District. Don’t worry, Derrick will show them the ropes … and how to use them).
So you’re getting a double feature, covering the last two weeks. But last week’s episodes seem almost quaint compared to the BATSHIT INSANITY of this week. But here are some highlights.
Yes, it’s difficult when the highlight of the week is in the first thirty seconds of the first episode, but there you go.
Paul is growing increasingly more concerned about Will’s “big scoop” and is afraid he’s getting himself involved in some dangerous situations. So when Will accidentally leaves without his fashionable reporter satchel (from the Ronan Farrow Hot Blond Investigator Line), Paul decides to take a gander at the important story he’s working on. Oops.
He finds the “Does Paul Know That You And Sonny Are Lying To Him?” note and immediately jumps to … well, the only conclusion he can jump to given the evidence, that Will and Sonny are hooking up.
He rushes over to Sonny and confronts him, proving that Angry Paul is the hottest Paul … along with Sad Paul, Amused Paul, Slightly Melancholy Paul, and Just Plain Existing Paul. It’s all good.
Sonny realizes he has no choice, and he tells Paul everything, about Leo dying, removing the body, and being blackmailed by Ted.
Meanwhile, Will heads over to Kate to ask her for the money to pay off Ted, but those plans change when Will realizes that Ted has been offering his services to his grandmother, pro-bone-o.
Will is appalled, reminding his grandmother that not only is this the guy who was defending Leo, but also defending Ben, the man who tried to kill Will twice (succeeding once).
Kate trots out the “everyone is entitled to a defense” line, and Will, shockingly, tells her the truth about why he needs money, that Ted is blackmailing him and Sonny.
Ted and Will go back and forth about the facts, with Ted calling it cold blooded murder, and Will explaining that it was an accident, and they had to get rid of the body because of how it would look. Kate, without hesitation, tells Will she believes every word he’s saying, and asks Ted to drop the blackmail scheme.
He refuses. Kate is not … happy.
She tells Will to leave, and she’ll take care of the situation. Will’s look says “I know what that means. Have fun finding your testicles later.”
He heads over to Sonny, and finds out that Paul knows everything. Will apologizes for keeping it from him, but he was only trying to protect him, blah, blah. Paul forgives him and the two have a warm and loving moment, right in front of Sonny, declaring their forever love and isn’t it a shame when people can’t find their soulmate and have to live life alone. Oh, Sonny, you’re still there?
Grandma Kate said she’d take care of things, and she’s a woman of her word. She tells Will that she procured the millions of dollars that Ted is demanding, and will make sure he never bothers them again.
When Ted comes to collect, Kate makes sure he gets what’s coming to him. I assume. We don’t hear a gunshot or see a body, and Kate doesn’t do manual labor, so it’s anyone’s guess what actually happened to Ted after Kate pulls the gun on him. Wait … is Maggie missing another rug?
After talking to his mom, Sonny decides one more time to tell Will how he feels about him. Will says “Now that the Ted problem is taken care of, I guess our partnership is over,” and Sonny responds “What if I don’t want it to be over?” Will wonders if there’s another easily disposable carpet nearby.
Will tells Sonny “We have grown closer, but just as friends. We’ll always be Ari’s parents, but that’s all it is for me. I know this is hurting you, but I don’t love you, I love Paul, and that’s not going to change. Later!”
Preparations for the Marlena/John wedding get under way, which means the craziness is about to hit the fan. Marlena has a nightmare in which a bandaged man tries to stop the wedding. Considering the amount of work these people have had done, that could literally be any member of the cast, but of course it’s Josh Taylor (just sayin’).
John’s bachelor party centers around balls for some reason. Will is used to handling Paul’s balls, but John take his eye off for a split second and gets clocked in the face, leading to a a subplot … oh never mind.
Now that I think about, the last Salem bachelor party was centered around balls, too. Remember?
Marlena gets a special gift in the mail … a Marlena Doll. Yep, an actual Barbie that looks … exactly … like … Marlena. Nothing creepy about that. At first I was sure that someone just took an old Electra-Woman doll and just put a new outfit on her, but it turns out that it is an actual Marlena Doll that was made by Mattel in 1999.
So who sent the doll? Susan! Yes, Will’s makeshift mother is out of the loony bin, and looking like she just escaped the road show of Godspell.
She’s back in town to apologize for her misdeeds, and somehow gets herself invited to the wedding, even after Susan-ing up the bridal shower, making everyone feel uncomfortable, and causing epic amounts of cringe.
Her plan to make amends is short-lived, though, when Marlena leaves her doll behind at the shower, and Susan takes it … personally.
(I have to give them credit for the hourglass decoration. That was a nice touch).
As the wedding starts, Sad Sonny retreats to the pub to drown his sorrows and stare forlornly at his and Will’s wedding picture. He makes a vow to move on with his life, and symbolically tears up the photo. Yeah… he’s going to want some Scotch tape in a few minutes.
Will is one of the speakers at the wedding, and as he makes his way through his speech, he starts having multiple flashbacks to his own wedding. The floodgates start to open, and a torrent of memories come rushing back!
He excuses himself and runs outside as his old memories wash over him, and the Tears Start Welling™. He gets so verklempt his damn titties almost fall out!
He’s beside himself with emotion, and things are about to get a lot more welling when he sees Sonny approaching.
Sonny wants to know why he’s crying, which leads to my all-time favorite exchange between these two:
Will: “I needed some air”
Sonny: “It’s an outdoor wedding.”
Sonny tags along as Will heads to Doug’s Place to calm down, and Will confesses that he remembered their wedding … and more. Soon both of them are crying, as they mutually remember their wedding and relationship, and Will realizes that all of his previous life is coming back, and oh my god … all the plaid shirts!
Now that he’s regained his old life, Will makes plans to tell all of his loved ones that he remembers them, especially Ari. He has another memory of the wedding, and that flashback draws he and Sonny closer, until …
Aww, that was sweet.
Thanks for joining me!
Oh wait … I almost forgot. THE WEDDING WAS A FABULOUS HOT MESS AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.
As Marlena is about to say “I do,” Sami crashes the wedding … literally. She’s ranting and raving, disheveled and stumbling. So basically it’s the same ole Sami.
No one can calm her down, as she blathers about being kept prisoner and drugged, but knew she had to find a way back to warn Marlena that “she” was going to try to kill her.
She races around the wedding party until she comes across Susan, screaming “I know it’s you!” and attacks her. Susan and Sami tussle, until Sami gains the upper hand, ripping Susan’s wig off and punching her in the jaw, sending her false teeth flying into Marlena’s bouquet.
After the dust settles, it’s revealed that Susan is actually … Kristen DiMera!
She’s back, and she’s on a mission. To kill Marlena. But first she calls Steve “Cyclops” and Eric “Father Doofus,” and asks Jennifer about Eric’s sexy birthmark (i’m guessing a small halo shape on his left nut).
After threatening everyone, she turns her attention back to Marlena, and decides not to shoot her. She throws the gun to Sami, and instructs Sami to shoot … John.
Why on earth would Sami agree? Because Kristen swears that E.J. is still alive, and if Sami shoots John, she’ll take her to her beloved husband.
Everyone begs Sami not to listen, but Sami is possibly still drugged up, and disoriented, and well, Sami, so she slowly turns toward John, lifts the gun, and as Eric tries to wrestle it away, it goes off.
A couple of thoughts:
I may be in the minority, but I am glad to have Samizilla back, and I hope she has an extended stay. Alison Sweeney brought a spark to the show that I’ve missed.
No one can replace Eileen Davidson, but I thought Stacy Haiduk made a fabulous first impression as Susan/Kristen.
This week was the kind of soapy goodness I wish we would see more of on this show.
See you next week!