The holidays are here, and you know what that means! Awkwardly forced family interactions. We’ll help you figure out how to navigate that most wonderful/stressful time of the year.
Drink, but Don’t Get Too Drunk
Everybody knows that firmly clutching a glass of wine is a fine way to get through a family gathering, but with the current political climate, may I suggest not getting too drunk? There’s a good chance at least one of your extended relatives owns a MAGA hat, and you don’t want to go to jail, right?
No, Uncle Glen, a border wall isn’t a good idea, you piece of shit! And, Karen, if you retweet another Tomi Lahren post, I will break your fucking phone! PROSTITUTION WHORE!
But, also, keep an eye out for those teenage cousins on the edge of a panic attack and sneak them a little wine. I’ll always love my cousins for sneaked Strawberry Hill on Thanksgiving and Christmases. Hell, even my grandma would give me some wine to make me chill a bit during the holidays.
There’s a reason most holiday bakes are basically rum delivery devices.
Play a Little Drinking Game
Depending on your family, this may make the first one hard to do, but adjust the sips accordingly.
- “But, you don’t seem gay”
- “So, who’s the man and who’s the woman?”
- “I could never… I mean, it’s where the poo is”
- “We should go shopping!”
- Someone tries to set you up with someone without mentioning anything but their sexuality.
- Someone asks you to do their makeup.
- Someone starts using drag/gay slang waaaaay too much aftertheir second glass of wine.
Give up and start chugging that box wine if you hear the old “It’s just not natural” or “It’s against god.” Or, give up and find safe passage to your closest gay bar.
If You’re Planning to Announce Something, Don’t
Grand announcements of any kind at already stress-filled family events are a bad idea. Sexuality, pregnancy, engagements, divorces… all terrible ideas. It may seem convenient, but if you really want a family gathering for one of those things, throw your own damn party!
Don’t be Bev in that one episode of Roseanne.
Find a Small Sub-Group
Your entire family can’t be that bad, right? Find one or two people to break off with and escape the conservative uncle or cousins that won’t stop talking about how great the economy is (even thought you know that tax breaks a a temporary solution—at best).
Use them like you would use your friends at a club. Make rounds to visit all your family without getting pulled into their conversations. Wind back up with your group to refill your drink, vent, and then repeat.
Get Out of There
Once you’ve sobered up enough to drive or decided to Uber home, just do it. (1 standard drink per hour or less and you should be fine, but never risk it. Buzzed driving is drunk driving.)
- Family catch-up? Check
- Eaten all of the food you possibly can? Check
- Drank just enough to tolerate that one uncle? Check
- Completed whatever your post-meal family ritual* is? Check
- Loaded up a container with leftovers? Check
- Get the fuck out of there? In progress.
If you really like one or two of you extended family, maybe make some plans to meet up, otherwaise, consider it a succesful night and go home. If you’re hosting, may your god be with you and may your family GTFO in a timely manner so you don’t get alcohol poisoning.
* Personally, my family always watches Christmas Vacation to kick off the X-Mas season.