You Better Work, Iggy Azalea

What happens if you take the superb Canadian soap Trailer Park Boys and add in a blonde diva grinding up and town the row houses? Well, you get the Xtina video from a few months ago. Now move that locale to Australia and swap out a diva fro a rapper. There, that’s more Iggy Azalea’s style.

As for the song? It’s good enough. The backing track might as well have been any other trap noise out there right now. The lyrical content about Azalea’s coming of age makes for some nice material. Of particular note is this fantastic turn:

Valley girls giving blowjobs for Louboutins
What you call that?
Head over heels

In all, the Dolce-clad Australian delivers a catchy, danceable track that’s sure to go over well at most parties for the next few months.

There isn’t enough wine in the world to make Splash watchable.


“Hey everybody, I’m Joey Lawrence”

And, with that, I knew that this would be the best reality show I have ever seen. I was incredibly wrong.

The premise is promising (?). You take a handful of minor/aging celebrities and have them undergo training to compete in a sport that they have never attempted. Strictly Come Dancing, Celebrities on Ice—we’ve been here before. How does this feel so wrong? Perhaps we’ll find out with our first diver. It’s former Coby kid Keshia Knight Pulliam.

“Damn girl, Rudy’s all grown up!”

What? It appears that each of the celebrity divers will have custom theme songs. Just like professional wrestling! Unlike professional wrestling, they jump in a pool instead of hit each other in the head with chairs.

I get it. Pomp and circumstance. There has to be more to a show than just them jumping in a pool.

Maybe it will all be alleviated by the next diver. It’s Louie Anderson. Shit.

Anderson: “My goal is to be able to get out of the pool on my own.”

Is that an actual goal to have? That’s like having the goal be to be able to stand up out of this chair.

Anderson: “This one is for the troops!”

No, I think this one is for french fries. Where is my wine?

Now we finally get to the actual good part of the show: the overly-intense editing. Each commercial break is scored like a cliffhanger on Lost as the celebrity pears over the edge of the diving board as if their imminent death awaits them at the bottom. Then, they find the only girl in the audience that had her hands up in her face like Stefon and cut to her—twice.

After the break, the money shot happens. This slow motion footage of Louie Anderson hitting the water could easily be the next Sigur Ros video.

“How am I famous? Good question.”, said a girl whose identity I’m unsure of. The girlfriend of a football player? Was there a sex tape at least? Is she the long, lost Kardashian that could?

At this point in the show, I’m unsure if I can continue. Sure, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar LOOKS like RuPaul out of drag, but do I care if he can dive? If you’re wondering, he can’t. That’s really besides the point, though, isn’t it? Because the attractive judge said “The dive wasn’t great, but I’m going to give him a 7.5 because he’s 7 feet tall.” THANKS, GUY! Now I know that, if I want to succeed in diving, I can just grow really tall and do a belly flop. I’ll be bringing home the silver in 2018 as soon as my stretching machine comes in.

It all gets better because there is a lip-sync for your life dive-off at the end to determine who goes home.

My cat jumped on my remote and flipped over to a rerun of the Family Feud. I decided to stick with that instead of try and watch any more of this.

I’ll give it a 1/10.

The Community Drinking Game

The following is a guest post by Frank Bello. Read more about Frank on his blog.


As you might have heard Sony (not NBC, NBC doesn’t own the show*) fired Dan Harmon off Community, which means the end of Community as we know it and probably the start of some half-assed 9th Season of Scrubs-like fourth season at worst, and a “Eh, it’s enjoyable to hang out with these people, I guess, but remember the first three seasons, man?” fourth season. So, you’re probably rewatching the series, like I am, and pouring one out for the fallen leader. So, here’s the rules (shots can be fingers of your drink, also):

  • Jeff Winger speech- If it fails, take a shot. If it succeeds, two shots/half your drink.
  • Abed says “Cool/Cool. Cool cool cool.” or Abed refers to life being like a TV show-take a shot.
  • Britta is the worst- take a shot. If someone outside the group calls Britta the worst, take two shots.
  • Annie gasps in shock or Awwws something- take a shot. Two shots if it’s in conjunction with Shirley doing the same thing.
  • Shirley uses her sexy voice/mentions Jesus- take a shot. If both, take two shots.
  • Pierce comically misses the point- take a shot.**
  • Donald Glover one liner or Troy mishears/mispronounces a word- take a shot.
  • Dean in a costume- take a shot. (Don’t start with “Paradigms of Human Memory”)
  • 1st season only: Chang abuses his teaching powers, take a shot. 2nd and 3rd season: Chang uses his name as a pun, take a shot. Anyone else uses Chang’s name as a pun, two shots.
  • You spot a movie reference/TV Trope before it’s said by name- two shots. After it’s said- one shot.
  • Shipping moments: Trobed, Jean, Anbed, Jetta, Brinnie, Abetta, Jennie, Broy- one shot. Jerley, Cherly, Shierce, Channie’s Boobs- 2 shots. Aang (either Abed/Chang or Annie/Chang)-3 shots.

*Although NBC wasn’t really all that worked up about it, with Bob Greenblatt saying, “[S]hows lose showrunners all the time.” It’s not their fault that Dan Harmon was fired, but it’s kind of their fault that they didn’t renew the show with a clause that he’d still be on as showrunner (because why renew it in the first place anyway?).

**I guess you could also add “Pierce says something racist/homophobic” but hey, it’s your liver.

It’s Never A Good Time

Well, this happened.

Carly Rae Jepson put out a single with Owl City. Remember Owl City? They’re that crossover Christian band who rips off the Postal Service and thinks it’s weird to hate goodbyes.

The song is called “Good Time” and it’s aggressively optimistic. I can’t say I’m having a very good time listening to it, though. I feel a bit like I’m stuck on the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney World with a youth group who thinks it’s couth to sing along as loud as they can while yelling about how much good clean fun they’re having.

In fact, I will be surprised if youth groups around the country don’t adopt this as their anthem. It doesn’t specifically mention God but we all know that they can have such a good time without even having to try because they’ve got Jesus on their side. Owl City already has the Christian music background, and if CRJ sounds like a “whoo girl,” it’s only because she’s high on life. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!)

“Good Time” is offensively inoffensive and will probably be well-received by fans of High School Musical. I need a drink or twelve.

I’ve been rewatching LOST so you don’t have to.

I’ve wanted to see how the show holds up two years after the finale. Good news: the episodes you liked are still good. Bad news: the episodes which were just the worst are even worse. And I just watched “Stranger In A Strange Land,” and if you’re familiar with the series, you know what that means. Hint: not great.

I’ve been rewatching LOST so you don’t have to.

Oh god oh god, why am I still watching True Blood (Episode 5X02)

Why are you the way that you are show? If you didn’t watch last night’s True Blood but want to keep up with it, just watch the last ten minutes. That’s really all you need to watch because last night’s was just a filler episode. But if you really really want to go through 45 minutes of mediocrity, here you go:

  • Ugh, Tara’s a vampire. But she looks like she’s killing Sookie. But she kicked Lafayette about ten yards. So. It’s kind of a glass case of emotions kind of situation.
  • Pam stopped Tara from killing Sookie! WHAT! NO. NO. Tara’s going to bring down Pam, NO.
  • AHAHAHAHA, Tara just vampire ran into a door and cabinet.
  • While the credits are rolling, can I just remark on how good they are and completely misleading of the program that comes after it?
  • Bill and Eric are thrown into cages and I’m getting a weird LOST flashback.
  • Alcide has a problem with cannibalism which makes him a pussy according to Werewolf Laws? Because you have to eat what you kill? Did no one just go, “Hey, can we not do this thing? Because I’d prefer if we not do this thing. There has to be a better way to show that Alcide has trouble with the responsibility of ‘Pack Master’ which, by the way, totally sounds like a level from Cub Scouts.”?
  • Vampire Tara is stuck in Sookie’s house throwing things, so she’s just like Regular Tara except with the blur effect. (Oh, Not-Witch Jesus, I’m only ten minutes in.)
  • “There’s True Blood in the cabinet.” Hey, Ron Howard’s omniscient voice went off in my head!
  • Pam flashback! Yay more Pam! Don’t ruin this, show! Wait. She’s just a madame at a brothel and finds a dead body (that, taking a wild stab in the dark, is because of Eric)? Really? That’s all? Ugh.
  • This thing UV lamps to torture vampires? I’m pretty sure UV technology was also utilized in Underworld which, yeah show, how about you don’t copy? Also, the acting is waaaay too much like the witch summoning last year.
  • Vampire Pack Grandmother ain’t no skank!
  • “She’s wolf. I can feel it.” “Fuck what you feel!” No context, no commentary.
  • Seriously, can we redo all the Werewolf related dialogue and ADR the past ones with the new terminology ala Game of Thrones George W. Bush head?
  • Ugh, I forgot about Andy’s addiction to vampire blood and ugh I still can’t believe that’s a thing on this show because shouldn’t Sookie look like a meth head from Breaking Bad at this point? Oh hey, when does Breaking Bad come back again?
  • This guy looks like Dan Byrd and Danny Tamborelli had a redneck baby:
  • Why is Terry’s PTSD a thing on this batshit crazy show?
  • Here is Bill in a very fine top hat, licking the blood off his fingers. Again, no context, no commentary:
  • Christopher Heyerdahl is apparently typecast as a demonic torturer now?
  • Unrelated to anything, but it looks like Stephen Moyer drinks a lot between seasons. I can’t say I blame him.
  • Steve Newlin is at one of Vampire Jessica’s college parties, and…why?????? Oh he’s offering money to Jessica for rights to Jason. Because that makes sense. In the South. With a history of that kind of thing. Buying people. For stuff. You know. Slavery. Is what I’m trying to say.
  • Not kidding at all by the way:
  • Also, stop it with the “Fangs are erections” metaphor. Really show? You’re on HBO. You’re just embarrassing yourself. They even call it “fang boners.”
  • Remember when Hoyt was a kind of decent character? Wasn’t that a good time?
  • Oh thank fuck, Christopher Meloni showed up. SAVE THIS SHOW SAVE THIS SHOW-Wait, Barbara from Cougar Town? What? And there’s a child on the Authority council?
  • “Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Sanguinista Movement?” WHY, SHOW, WHY DID YOU JUST MAKE CHRISTOPHER MELONI SAY THAT? Just wanted to hammer in that metaphor?
  • “Well it chaps my ass to say this-” WHO THE FUCK WRITES THIS SHIT?
  • This kid has fucking crazy eyes:
  • My expectations are so low, if there’s a scene where Christopher Meloni and Dennis O’Hare try to outchew the scenery I’ll consider this season a success. Russell Edginton was the only worthwhile part of the past two years and HE’S BACK! However, it feels like the entire episode was just leading up to those last five minutes which is this entire show, and ugh, just a mediocre mediocre episode.

Post by Frank Bello

From Schwegler and Friends